Mike Devlin on Cooking Myths So Dumb They Deserve to Be Grated Like Cheese

Food is a necessity, and then along comes an idiot and starts making rules.
Not, "Make sure it's thoroughly cooked," but rules someone made up that are now actual rules everyone is expected to follow. They are dumb and must be ridiculed.

Don’t Eat That After a Certain Time

Are we a Mogwai called Gizmo? I think not. But there is some sort of truth to it, in so far as an immense heavy dinner moments before falling asleep probably isn’t the greatest of ideas. But do you know when that does happen a lot to millions upon millions of people? Yeah, Christmas. It’s practically expected of you because “I didn’t slave for hours for you not to doze off, Daniel.”

Cheese Gives You Nightmares

Take your nonsense somewhere else. But bananas do tend to give you more vivid dreams, which I have no problem with—so don’t tell me what to do.

Don’t Break Spaghetti Before Cooking

Why? Because it’s more fun watching those at the table struggling with pasta that’s half a mile long? This is just a purist thing, and besides which, not all bought spaghetti is the same length. Your spaghetti won’t scream if you do break it—and even if it did, that just proves it deserved snapping in two.

If your pan is small or your spaghetti too long, break it in half. If anyone asks, tell them it was that length when you bought it, and then never invite them again.

Sear Your Meat

Touched on this before, and it is pure unadulterated nonsense. Searing doesn’t seal juices in (the opposite, in fact); it simply adds flavour. That’s it.

Two Cloves of Garlic

I do not care who wrote it, or how much experience they have—there is only one rule if you see garlic in a recipe: add as much as you want.

Do Not Cook with Wine You Would Not Normally Drink

My my, that Cabernet Sauvignon is a positive delight to the senses, so yes, I will pour half of it into this pasta sauce I’m making despite it costing me the Earth. No. Just no.

Grab a cheaper bottle and taste it. Is it drinkable? Good—use some of that then. If it tastes awful, don’t cook with it because you won’t like your food either. Oh, and cooking wine is terrible. It should be banned.

Avoid Fats, Avoid Carbs, Avoid Salt

Unless you are under strict medical instruction, your body needs all of these—so get them eaten. The problem starts when you eat nothing but these, and copious amounts of them, too.

Wine Must Be a Certain Temperature

Does it though, does it really? Maybe if you’ve spent a couple of hundred on a bottle—but you more than likely haven’t. In which case, drink it at the temperature you like. Some reds taste better a little cooler anyway.

I mean, don’t drink white wine that’s 45°C, but it really doesn’t need to be 5°C either. Same for any alcohol, in fact—I put my bourbon in the freezer and will happily drink a beer I forgot to refrigerate even when it’s room temperature. You paid for it. Drink it how you like.

Add Oil to Water When Cooking Pasta

The two don’t mix. It’s hydrophobic. Just stop it. If you’re worried about it foaming up and bubbling over, put a wooden spoon across the top or turn the heat down.

The Five Second Rule

One moment it was in your hand, the next it’s on the floor. One... two... three... four... saved it!

You are genuinely so confident that the floor is that clean—and that bacteria have a thorough understanding of the concept of time, yes?

Good for you. I am now serving all your food straight onto the floor.

Because You Just Don’t

Lastly is this ‘rule’. It is a rule as old as time itself—so old, in fact, it began before the food in question was invented—and has been passed down through the centuries and millennia. But now nobody actually knows why the rule was created. It just is.

Either that, or there is no reason and the person saying it knows this but doesn’t want to admit it.

Basically, “because you just don’t” is the sole remit of parents to their five-year-old when they don’t want to get into it—or are just making it up for some peace and quiet.