Even your average home kitchen is awash with things that will try to kill or maim you. Knives are a prime example, and many an accident has occurred when using them. On top of that, there is boiling water, hot oils, open flames, steam (that burns twice), and incredibly hot surfaces.
Obviously, the risks are far higher in professional kitchens because there are far more deadly things and for a much longer duration. But what do chefs fear the most? It isn't knives and fire, that I can tell you. Many of the following you will likely own, and when in the presence of them, one must be extremely careful.
The Mandolin. An ideal piece of equipment that quickly slices through most things uniformly — be it potatoes, onions, carrots, your hand...
It's basically a giant razor blade. Never use one without a guard, but even with one, you are always a hair’s width away from requiring surgery.
The Grater. Only a fool would consider this harmless, as it will quite happily turn your fingers into bloody stumps.
Egg Shells. Easy to break, accidentally or on purpose. Also easy to receive paper cuts from them, and speaking of which...
Lemons. In and of themselves, absolutely harmless — unless you have invisible paper cuts, which the lemon will be more than happy to let you know about, in detail.
Chillis. Many a chef has chopped and diced them up, instantly forgotten they did this, and then popped to the toilet. ALWAYS wash your hands before a visit after handling chillis — or wear gloves.
Gastros (Metal Kitchen Pans). These are simple yet brilliant — put things in them to keep cool or warm, cook or bake with them. Professional kitchens usually have dozens of them in all different sizes, but never stack new wet ones together; pulling them apart requires greater strength than lifting Thor’s Hammer. Also, the edges are usually unnecessarily sharper than you’d think — resulting in deep lacerations. Awesome.
Cling Film. It isn’t the wrap itself, but what it comes in. The box always has metal teeth for ease of tearing away a piece — and for ease of carving a chunk out of your fingers. It is impossibly thin stuff, cling film, and yet the blade (that can often be two feet or more in length) is ridiculously sharp — it will take no prisoners.
Immersion Blender (Stick Blender). Looks innocent. Feels efficient. Is, in fact, a handheld weapon of mass destruction. One accidental button press mid-clean and it’ll turn your soup — and possibly your wrist — into something resembling a Jackson Pollock painting. Golden rule: always unplug before cleaning. Trust issues are justified here.
Hot Sugar. Sugar, the sweet assassin. Boiling sugar sticks to the skin and keeps on cooking. If you’ve never had molten caramel splatter on your hand, congratulations. If you have, you’ve probably got the scar to prove it. Pastry chefs know it. They respect it. They flinch at the memory.
Convection Ovens. They cook everything faster and more evenly. They also unleash a gust of furnace-grade air directly at your face the moment you open the door. There goes your fringe. There go your eyebrows. There goes your will to live for about ten seconds.
Wet Floors. You’d think something as simple as water wouldn’t pose much of a threat. Then you step in it. Professional kitchens should come with skating boots. Or hazard pay. Probably both.
The Meat Slicer. Precision at its finest — but also the one machine that looks like it belongs in a horror film. One careless moment and you're part of the charcuterie board. Unplug before cleaning. Always. No exceptions.
Vacuum Sealers. You’d think this would be relatively tame. Until you burn your fingers on the sealing strip, or suck the air out of your glove and panic like you’ve trapped your hand in a vacuum bag of doom. Also, sounds deceptively harmless until it makes that chunk noise and you jump out of your skin.
Rolling Pins. Rarely considered dangerous, until it rolls off the counter and crushes your foot. Bonus points if it’s the heavy marble one. Also handy for passive-aggressive chefs needing to make a point without using words.
The Walk-In Fridge. Cool, calm, and collected. Until someone shuts the door behind you. You’re either freezing, lost, or hallucinating from the cold. And good luck finding anything that isn’t buried behind seventeen crates of lettuce.
Steam. It burns. Twice. The worst part? It’s invisible. There you are, happily lifting a pan lid, when BAM — your hand, arm, and ego are scalded into next week.
The Deep Fryer. Hot oil. Open vat. Bubbles like a volcano with bad intentions.
Drop something too fast? Splash. Let it overflow? Inferno. It demands respect and dry hands — always dry hands.
The Microwave. Usually perched on a high shelf. You tip something out, the steam escapes, the container gives way, and there’s now soup down your front and tears in your eyes. It’s not even supposed to be a weapon. And yet.
The Ticket Machine. This is solely a professional thing: it notifies the chefs an order has come through. It states what the order is, any amendments, the time, and the table number. Without it, the kitchen wouldn’t have anything to do during service.
But it’s the noise it makes when a ticket is being printed — they all make some sort of noise — and this noise will haunt a chef even in their dreams. Chefs will also think they’ve heard it going off, only to discover it was a phantom noise.
“You heard it go off, right?” “Yeah, I thought I did too.”
Honourable Mention: The Chef’s Ego. Technically not a physical object. Still, possibly the most dangerous thing in any kitchen. Handle with care.
Do you have any suggestions to add to this list?
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