I need your help because I’m feeling stuck and a bit helpless. My mother-in-law calls my daughter every single day and always puts her on speakerphone. The problem is, my father-in-law is often in the room during these calls, and he’s incredibly racist and foul-mouthed. I’ve overheard things no child should ever be exposed to.
I finally plucked up the courage to tell my mother-in-law that I’d prefer if he wasn’t present when she’s speaking to my daughter. She brushed it off completely and said I was “overreacting.” My husband, unfortunately, refuses to say anything because he doesn’t want to “rock the boat.”
I feel like I’m the only one trying to protect our daughter, and I’m being painted as the difficult one. What should I do?
Kindred Keri says:
Oh love, I can feel the weight of this one. You’re not being difficult—you’re being a brilliant, protective mother. Let’s get that straight from the start. Wanting to shield your daughter from hateful language and inappropriate behaviour isn’t overreacting—it’s responsible parenting.
It sounds like you’ve landed in that all-too-familiar place where you’re trying to set a healthy boundary, but the people around you aren’t quite ready to accept it. And when your husband—who should be your teammate in all this—won’t back you up, it leaves you feeling isolated. That’s not fair on you, and it’s not OK.
Here’s the gentle but firm truth: you’re well within your rights to set clear rules about who has access to your child, and under what circumstances. You can’t control your in-laws' behaviour, but you can control the environment your daughter is exposed to. That may mean adjusting or limiting these calls—perhaps no more speakerphone, or switching to supervised video chats where you can be present.
You don’t need to be angry or confrontational—just clear and consistent. A simple, “We’re happy for her to chat with you, but it’s important the call is private and respectful,” should do. And if your mother-in-law refuses to respect that, then unfortunately, it’s her choice to limit her contact—not yours.
As for your husband: talk to him again, gently but honestly. Explain that you’re not trying to start a war—you’re trying to protect your daughter’s sense of safety, kindness, and what’s acceptable in this world. If he’s still reluctant, you may need to lead this one solo, but rest assured—you’re doing the right thing.
Keep your head high, love. Your daughter is lucky to have a mum like you.
