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Warrior or Angel? Lessons in life. Another chapter in the never-ending saga of me.
The Warrior, no, not the worrier.
Today you'll find me in a good place. Mark your calenders because it's sure to pass. Days like this come and go. When two or more are strung together, it's a moment worthy of thought and gratitude. It's important to note them because as you reach a peak, a valley usually waits below. They all look different. It's a life skill learning how to negotiate them in a way that you glean the lesson without stopping for any longer than it takes to get your bearings, correct your course, and keep it moving. Each one will call on different skills. Some as old as time, some needing honing and invariably some you need to relearn. Finding the lesson is what your goal needs to be. If you move through it without catching the lesson, you will no doubt be destined to repeat it until you do.
So many times, I sit down to write, and I have a story to tell. A point to make, a direction to go or a nugget of brillance I'd like to bestow on you, my awesome audience.
I never wonder if anyone is listening. Why? Because when I write, it's a catharsis. It allows me to revisit my journey and face my reactions and the reasoning behind the decisions I make. Were they made in haste, in fear? In anger, hope, passion, what? What was the driving force. What should it be? That's the learning part, lol. Did I learn from it? No? Is this why I needed to repeat it? Many I choose not to repeat. Do I avoid decisions so as to avoid the anguish that might be associated with it? Probably. No one wants to seek out or even face down hurt, pain, or anguish. Can we learn without them? I sure as hell hope so. The older I get, the more I seek to do so. I also noticed that the older I get, the stronger my boundaries have become. And how my circle gets smaller and smaller.
I just don't have the level of patience anymore or the ignorance to accept whatever is thrown my way. It's so hard to say no though.
As a survivor of abuse, a tool I've most often used is people pleasing. Then, one day, it's like something inside me just snapped.
After a lifetime of allowing myself to be used and abused, I just realized I'm done. Not mad, not mean. Not ugly or harsh. Just done. It's the end of a long journey of being misused, underappreciated, and unseen.
I remember early in my life how my only goal was to be invisible. To save myself from physical and emotional abuse, I made myself small. It's interesting to note, though, that it never worked.
Those I wanted to hide from or avoid always seemed to find me and see me. Oftentimes, I felt like there was no escape. Oftentimes, I was right. At the same time, those I wanted to see me or hear me looked right past me as though I were indeed invisible as I'd hoped to be. As I moved through life, I've learned to flip the script. I've found my voice.
I don't allow people to define me, or demean me, or take away my experience. I've shared that I have PTSD and been ridiculed by others saying sure, everyone wants to say they have PTSD, OCD, ADHD or anything that starts with a letter and self diagnose. It's so popular everyone has it. Whatever. How should I know. Should I apologize that I spent the better part of my life being victimized. Somehow, I asked for it, or it wasn't as bad as it seemed? Or you never saw it? You can't define my trauma or grade the depth of it.
Why do people who have no idea choose to minimize your experience? Your trauma? There will always be those who seek to control you with fear and minimize your strength. Your light shines bright, and it frightens them. So they tear at your foundation to attack what you love and find any way to a crack, relentless in their pursuit. There is nothing to gain from it except bragging rights. I'll never understand it, and honestly, I'm done trying.
Making someone feel small so you can feel big is a behavior grown out of feelings of fear and unworthiness. I can no more hate that person who is definitely soul sick than I could the leper. It is a cancer that eats them alive that only they can cure. It's not my journey.
I'm not wasting my energy on people like that while the soft, innocent broken ones flow down the river helplessly. I have to focus on those I can help. I don't know if it's because I'm a survivor, that my heart always goes out to those who have suffered. I offer solace, patience, love, and kindne I always choose to offer a soft landing space. A safe space if at all possible.
My lesson is that it doesn't mean I have to over compensate. I can't want something for you if you don't want it for yourself. It's the whole teaching a man how to fish, right? I love the analogy of when the oxygen mask comes down on a plane, put yours on first.
Learning I can't save the world. Why did I ever want to? What made me think I could. Who do I get mad at when they don't follow my direction? Me or them? Both? Who says I'm right? Well, of course I do, but maybe they do too. Lol.
Someone was telling me something the other day in passing. I knew it to be inaccurate at the time, and I was fascinated thinking that they honestly believe they are right when all evidence shows they are not.
Sometimes, I don't argue. I just wait it out, but at what cost? Because there usually is one. There is no win in being right. No validation, no trophy. Just the knowledge that yes, over time, a lesson was learned, and when you tried to save someone, the time and energy of learning it, they gave you the lesson.
What was the lesson for me? They were clearly not ready to learn the easy way. They must fall and skin their knees and dust off, hopefully avoiding the same pitfalls in the future. Some do, and some don't. Some never learn, and you have to cut ties for self-preservation.
If a person is drowning and you jump in to save them, they can drown you as they are trying to save themselves. If perchance, you use the proper lifesaving techniques and get them to safety, and they look at you, flip you off, and jump in again, saying I know what I'm doing and I won't drown, just leave me be.
What do you do? How it must tear at your soul to watch them as they start to struggle and sink. Maybe this time throw out a life ring? When do you turn and leave, deciding you're just not going to watch anymore?
Is this called growth? I hope so. There's that knowledge you have learned a lesson. Yup, there it is. The lesson. You can't save people from themselves what makes one think they have the right or the task to move through life bestowing lessons hither and yon. Personally, I think when I do this, it's a form of healing.
Maybe if I save someone, I am doing what no one did for me, thus stopping the cycle. Had more people stepped up and put out their hands, how different would my life be? Who would I be? Would I be that asshole who gets saved and goes back out? Have I been that asshole?
Makes me ponder. Does getting old make me ponder more? Actually, no. I've always been a deep thinker. My husband, totally opposite, had no issue at all walking away and not feeling one iota of guilt or worry. He just turns it off, if it ever were, in fact, on. I find that fascinating.
Sometimes, when I intervened, I've only prolonged the inevitable. Looking behind me, I see it. Plain as day, but we don't go through life looking back. We have to be looking forward.
I clearly remember being 18 and just knowing everything. You couldn't tell me anything. Was I an old soul?
No, just a soul that had lived more in 18 years than some do in a lifetime.
When I tell my story, people look at me like I'm over exaggerating it. It occurred to me that people can live their entire lifetime living in the house they were born in. Never leaving their neighborhood. Maybe even married to their childhood sweetheart 65 years. They look at me, thinking no way all that could have happened.
Well actually yes it all happened. I don't know why. In the big scheme of things, I've lived a thousand lifetimes in these 66 years, but there are people who make my story seem mild or boring in comparison to theirs, so there you have it.
I've often wondered if we live and die and then come back. Stacking up lives and experiences until the last time when we finally get it right. Are those the people we see as just calm and gifted with intrinsic knowledge we do not yet possess? Not needing to do the life savings because they know how the story ends.? Is this why my husband is so unaffected, unlike myself?
Makes me wonder. I told you I'm a deep thinker. As I get to the end of my story, my purpose for writing is that it comes full circle. The one constant, the one thing I wanted to drive home is that throughout my life, I've oftentimes done it alone. Or so I've always thought. But I've found that just behind me or beside me, I've had guardian angels to guide me through or catch me when I fall. It's so odd. Sometimes, they can show up as strangers. At others, they show up as friends. Some pass through, and some stay. But even through the worst of it, they've been just there. I've found that as I move through life, other warriors have shown up. We're drawn to each other. An invisible inexplicable indivisible bond is there. We reach out to each other, finding comfort in those who are like us after thinking for so long we were alone! What a gift.
I think I was made to be a warrior. Given the strength at birth but honed throughout life and the guardian angels came with that to guide me when I couldn't see and to allow me to do the work I was born to do. But with the boundaries, I need to save my own soul so as not to drown. With each passing day, I gain strength.
I learned to accept what seemed like failures for what they are. I haven't failed. I tried, and that's never failing. I may never know if what I said or did struck a cord. I have to live on faith.
The strength coming from the knowledge that I've done my best. I can't own others missing the step. At some point, it's your responsibility to grab the ring and save yourself. And don't jump in again. But the loss I suffer from gaining strength doesn't always feel like a win.
As I approach the inevitable end of my life, I arrive with a body filled with scars. Those you see, those you don't, and those that never heal. Just bleed a little less.
But if you arrive unscathed, chances are your journeys just begun. Hope I don't see you in the next life, lol. I think for this one, I'm happy to sail over the finish line, collect my medal, and retire for eternity.
You'll have to do your next on your own. But maybe your next journey you get to be the warrior?! Hopefully, my passing leaves an opening, and you will also feel blessed with the angels and friendships like I've had.
Crossing the finish line and throughout your journey, never forget your only as alone as you want to be. Chances are you have angels and friends as invisible as I once was. You see me now because I learned how to be seen and be safe and that's a lesson I really hope you will learn from me. Be seen be heard. Be open and have boundaries. Learn who you are and write your own definition and story because it's just as important as mine. If it all sounds fantastical and unreal, maybe it is, but then again, who decides? My perception is my reality.
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