Debi Barr On Why Women Need to Be Kinder to Themselves — and How to Start

Many women know how it feels to be their own harshest critic. We second-guess how we look, how we parent, how we work, how we show up for others. We push ourselves to be everything to everyone, and then feel as though we’re falling short anyway.
It’s exhausting — and it’s far more common than you might think.

The Habit of Being Hard on Ourselves

It can become so normal we don’t even notice it — the quiet voice in your head that says you’re not good enough, not doing enough, not measuring up. The inner commentary that picks apart your appearance, your choices, your feelings.
We apologise for taking up space. We over-explain our needs. We hold ourselves to standards we’d never demand of anyone else.
It’s easy to slip into this habit, especially in a world that praises women for being selfless, accommodating, and endlessly capable.

Conditioned to Perform

This way of thinking doesn’t appear out of nowhere — we’re taught it.
From an early age, many of us learn that being “good” means putting other people first, staying agreeable, and keeping the peace. We’re encouraged to be high-achieving but humble, ambitious but not too much, nurturing but never needy.

It’s a lifetime of mixed messages:

Be perfect but make it look effortless.

Give everything but don’t expect too much.

Care deeply but don’t be too emotional.

Over time, those expectations become the voice in our head that says we’re not enough.

The Cost of Self-Criticism

While it might seem like holding ourselves to high standards will make us better, it often has the opposite effect.
Self-criticism doesn’t motivate us — it drains us.
It can leave us feeling anxious, burnt out, and never truly satisfied. It stops us from taking risks or trying new things because we’re so afraid of getting it wrong.
We end up losing touch with our own needs and desires. The constant pressure to be “better” can squeeze out joy, creativity, and authenticity.
It can feel like nothing is ever enough — even if, on the outside, it all looks fine.

What Self-Compassion Really Means

A lot of people think self-compassion is about making excuses or giving up on growth — but it’s the opposite.
Self-compassion is treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding you’d offer a close friend.

If someone you loved was struggling, would you shame them, call them worthless, or tell them to try harder? Or would you listen, comfort them, and remind them of their worth?
It doesn’t mean ignoring responsibility or pretending everything is fine. It means accepting yourself as human — imperfect, growing, and worthy of care even when you mess up.
It’s about making space to be real.

Three Simple Self-Compassion Practices

You don’t have to transform overnight. Small, steady steps matter. Here are three simple ways to start:

Pause and Notice
Pay attention to how you talk to yourself. Catch the moments when the inner critic speaks up. Just noticing it is powerful.

Reframe Kindly
Ask yourself: What would I say to a friend in this situation? Offer yourself those same words. This simple shift can soften harsh self-talk and open the door to real understanding.

Soothe Yourself
Try placing a hand on your heart or taking a deep breath while saying something gentle: “It’s okay to feel this way. I’m here for you.” This small physical gesture can be surprisingly comforting.

A Gentle Invitation

If you’re used to being hard on yourself, self-compassion can feel awkward or even selfish at first. That’s normal.
It takes courage to unlearn the old habit of criticism and choose kindness instead.

You don’t have to get it perfect — it’s enough to begin.
Try offering yourself even a little gentleness today. You deserve the same compassion you so freely give to everyone else.