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Growing up in a Christian middle-class family in Germany I always thought I would get married in my 20s, have children, settle down and live happily ever after.
However, there I was, 30 years old, single, more depressed than I had ever been in my life, trying to deal with a relationship breakup that I couldn’t deal with. I thought this was it, that he had been my last chance at having my own family.
Years of loneliness followed, all my friends were busy having the life I thought I wanted and I was left over. I felt like I was on the sideline watching everyone else having fun playing a game I wasn’t good enough to play.
Eight years later, I finally got tired of blaming everything and everyone around me for my misery. Life had given me a few pointers and I embarked on my self realization journey.
I was intrigued to discover that there was a completely other way of living my life apart from what I had known and believed to be THE way.
I could hear the whisper of my heart telling me to take that route, that something is waiting for me there. From that moment on, my heart was going to be on the driver’s seat and my mind would be on the passenger’s seat, opposite to what I had learned how life works.
I asked myself the two most important questions: Who am I and why am I here?
And this changed everything.
Little did I know that the next four years of my life would be a time of a transformation so profound that changed my life to an extend I never knew, thought or imagined possible. Once I realized I could be a butterfly, I decided my days as a caterpillar were counted.
What if nothing I had ever learned was true? What if I could fly after all?
Tear by tear I shed my childhood conditioning, removed the wall around my heart brick by brick and learned to love myself. I returned back to my heart, for the first time in my life being able to actually feel it, to feel me and my needs, connecting to my soul and the essence of who I really am. Allowing all the pain, anger and sadness that wanted and needed to be seen and felt to be there. Along the way, I became friends with my fears and shadows.
I had to leave everything behind so I could rise from the ashes of my existence to actually start living instead of existing. Life has a funny way of always gifting you exactly what you need instead of giving you what you want. At this point, my only task was to trust and surrender. It felt like walking a tightrope without a safety net and more than once I found myself desperately holding on to the rope with one hand only.
There was just one tiny little thing I had to figure out: What does being fully alive actually mean for me? If anything is possible, how do I want to spend my life? What is my purpose?
The only way to find out was to apply all the wisdom and knowledge I had acquired through my healing process to life and see where it takes me. I had taken the theory lessons, now it was time for the driver’s test.
I quit my corporate job that I had worked at for 15 years, moved out of my apartment and set out to see the world only to find out that my world would be a small town on the Caribbean Coast of Costa Rica. The energy of this beautiful, little town and nature have healed me, it was both the most magical and challenging time of my life. I experienced unconditional love but was carrying a backpack full of conditions myself. ‘Be careful what you wish for’ they say. I now understand what that actually means. I was not prepared for so much love and couldn’t allow myself to receive it. All of my subconsciously manipulating ways no longer worked with this man who was just so in his heart at all times. I projected all my experiences with the masculine onto him being angry at him for all of it most of the time. He was my mirror and more than once I wished I could just take the mirror off the wall. Healing is feeling. And that, I did.
I fell in love with life again.
Liberated, my wings and I left the country 8.5 months later and I know that there is still so much more waiting for me in this life that I can’t even begin to grasp with the limitations of my mind. My heart is wide open and will show me everything I need to see.
This is only the beginning.
What has carried me through this era of my life more than anything are meaningful connections with many beautiful souls I have met along my journey back to myself. When women connect to support, hold and empower each other magic happens. It’s a special kind of magic, I would call it sacred or divine and I wish nothing more than for every women in this world to experience and embody her true essence, to experience life how it’s meant to be: a magical, nurturing and fulfilling experience where everything flows effortlessly.
There’s nothing and no one to be, no standard to live up to, nothing to achieve, do or proof.
You are whole, just the way you are.
