Is this growth or just chaos?
I went from just coping to being deeply resilient. But is resilience ever total or complete? It feels more like an ever-moving, lifelong journey. The finish line keeps shifting, and the layers of the emotional onion, yes, the ones that make you cry, seem endless. I think we swing constantly between chaos and growth, and I often wonder which comes first, like the chicken and the egg. Where does it even begin? If you trace it all the way back to birth, I think that moment is both chaos and growth happening at the same time.
For me, the chaos became undeniable with the dissolution of my marriage. Why then? Ironically, because of growth. I was changing, becoming more aware, more spiritually aligned, yearning for something I could not yet name, but knew existed. I began to question my life. I cannot say I wanted to follow my dreams at that point, because I had no idea what they were. I did know, however, that I could no longer keep following someone else’s dreams. Being married became a place of emotional turmoil and unavoidable decisions. Chaos does not interrupt growth. It triggers it.
So off I went into single parenthood with three beautiful young children. At first, it felt like nothing but chaos, with no visible growth at all. Emotional stress, financial stress, social stress, mental stress, have I missed any? Giving up was never an option. Some days were simply about putting one foot in front of the other, wondering how this life I had created would evolve while I was just keeping my head above water. Another growth moment came, unexpectedly, when I admitted I was depressed. That rock bottom of chaos slowly nudged me towards a direction I never saw coming. The beauty of life is that we do not know what lies around the corner, and so much of it can be positive too. Pessimism serves no one.
I plodded along the self-development path, trying new ideas and doing my best to heal myself and eventually come off the Prozac that had supported me for so many years. Yet every time I reached the three-week clear mark, some curveball would throw me straight back into chaos and medication. What I did not understand then was that I had no education, knowledge, or real understanding of healthy coping strategies to manage emotional meltdowns. Subconsciously, another quiet moment of growth, I became interested in hypnotherapy. There was a college nearby and one day I picked up a brochure. After talking about it for over a year, a friend gently, and not so gently, gave me the push I needed. That moment changed everything. Growth multiplied.
Halfway through the course, I realised I had not only stopped taking the medication, but I had also developed practical tools to cope with chaos. As the distance between chaotic moments grew longer, my resilience strengthened with each hurdle, almost to the point of thinking, bring it on. My tools became perspective, self-awareness, communication, boundaries, self-care, healthy confrontation, and so much more. These tools did not remove chaos from my life. They changed my relationship with it.
Confidence in my resilience inspired me. I became curious and even excited about what might be waiting around the corner of each new day, week, and month. Growth rarely feels like growth while you are living inside it. It feels like unraveling, questioning, and shedding skins that once kept you safe. The calm, structured, “strong” version people associate with growth usually appears later, once everything has integrated.
Growth is the phoenix rising from chaos. They seem to need each other. Chaos and growth are not enemies, they are dance partners.
One of the mantras I live by now is “human… and trying”. Breathing through the chaos, trusting the process, and continuing to grow even when it does not feel graceful.
Resilience is the ability to be flexible and bounce back from difficulty. The more you practise it, the stronger it becomes, just like exercise. It requires time, repetition, and commitment.
I am not afraid of chaos anymore. I know it often signals growth, even when I cannot yet see it. It is still hard at times, but I keep my emotional toolbelt well equipped.
So, is it growth or just chaos? You be the judge.
Catherine Jones is the voice behind Human and Trying, a space dedicated to emotional honesty, resilience, and navigating life’s messy middle. Drawing from lived experience, she shares reflections and practical tools that support growth through chaos and change. Catherine believes resilience is built, not perfected — and that we are all human, and trying.